Apne Aap.

"The work we do is nothing more than a means of transforming our love for Christ into something concrete." - Mother Theresa, from the chalkboard sign on the way into Adoration yesterday. If you're praying for me, please pray that this is my mindset in service. I need to remember why I'm doing what I do.

Yesterday, I visited Apne Aap. Today, in a few hours, I will visit Freeset in Sonagachi for the first time. Now, don't hear me say that I'm planning on suddenly discovering my exact life calling (but I wouldn't turn that down!). Rather, I'm just embracing the truth of what I explained to the women at Apne Aap yesterday: while I loved working at Apne Aap, I really want to be in Sonagachi...so I need to go work with Freeset for the next few days.

As a quick explanation, Freeset is a social business started from New Zealand in Sonagachi, the largest redlight district in Southeast Asia. Freeset helps women get out of prostitution by providing jobs making bags, t-shirts, and other products. They're also just a really cool, women's empowerment-y organization with some volunteers who live in Sonagachi, which I like. Last year, during one of my last days in India, I visited Sonagachi and knew I had to come back. At Urbana this past December, I met Kerry Hilton, the guy who leads Freeset. We met when I randomly felt like I should go stand outside of the International Prayer Room for awhile, and he showed up wearing a shirt covered in Bangla. I started reading his shirt and we began to talk about Sonagachi and Kolkata. Then, a month or so ago, I met Pip, a nurse who is planning on working on health education in Sonagachi with Freeset for the next 14 years. She gave me Kerry's contact info and now...I'm going. In an hour and a half. And I'll be there for the next four days.

But yesterday! Yesterday, I visited the CLS program in Kolkata (which seems wonderful) and returned to Apne Aap for the first time in a year and a half. I bought some mishti to bring with me and walked / ran to the center...to find it padlocked. What. The woman who lives next door told me (in Bangla) that the school had moved. Noooooooooo. I was not happy about this. Then her son grabbed my hand and started walking with me down the street. A block later, he points to a sign - Apne Aap had moved about twenty meters closer to the girls' homes. Ah. That makes sense. The first woman I saw was Angelie's mother. AAAAAAAAAH! We hugged and spoke Bangla and it was wonderful. Up the stairs and I talked with the other teachers I worked with. Yay yay yay! Soma, Dipa's mother, told me that Dipa asks all the time, "where is Ani-di? When is Ani-di coming back?" It was crazy to be able to understand what she was saying. Soma knows nearly no English, but used to try to talk with me in Bangla all the time. This time, I understood some of what she said and was able to respond. Wow. Praise God for language.

Zareen said the girls would come at two o'clock, but that most of them would not come. When I expressed concern that the girls weren't coming to class, she told me that after I left, the girls took an English test and were placed into formal schooling. ALL OF THEM. That means EVERY girl I taught is now in school. This is insane. When I was there, I was their English teacher. Now, they're not even taking English classes at Apne Aap anymore, except a two day per week grammar lesson, because they're going to formal school. At this moment, Zareen taught me how to say "proud" - gorbito. Ami khubi gorbito karon amar shob chatrora schoole jache. I am very proud because all of my girls are going to school. I knew that the English class I taught was making a difference because I saw the girls' progression in speaking, writing, reading, and listening abilities, but hearing that they're in school now...that's something else.

At two o'clock, a few of the girls I taught - Zainab (who now spells her name Jainab), Noori (who was still wearing the bracelet I made for her), and Kohinoor - came for their grammar tutorial. I hugged them all. They each knew more English. I knew more Bangla. We spoke. I can't express in words how it feels to suddenly be able to communicate in spoken language with someone you loved without words for four months. I imagine it's like being suddenly able to see.

Then Dipa walked in and stood by the door, waiting for me. At the time, I was sitting in class with the girls. I stood up, walked over to her and picked her up and carried her out of the room. I put her down and told her that I had missed her so much and that she was beautiful and smart and that I loved her. I also told her she was taller and her teeth had grown bigger. She pulled a ribbon tied into a bow out of her pocket and tied it onto my wrist. Then we went back to class together and she sat with me. AAAAAAAAAAAH I love that child.

Eventually, the rest of the children came to the center. They attacked me and asked me a zillion questions. Then Dipa asked for my camera and we took a zillion pictures. I'll put them on Facebook.

I need to leave for Freeset soon, so the rest of this post might be a bit of a brain-mess. I'll try to organize it.

After Apne Aap, I went to buy henna at a corner store. The man spoke English, I spoke back in Bangla. I told him his English was very good...in Bangla. He said my Bangla was also very good...in English. Then he said something that I've been waiting to hear for three days: "I am trying to prove myself by speaking English." There. That's it. We both refused to speak the language we knew best because we wanted to prove we could speak each others' language. This is why I've had so many conversations here in which I speak Bangla and Indians reply in English. We both want to prove ourselves.

Kintu, ami ekhono shuddhu Bangla kotha bolte chai.
But I still want to speak only Bangla.

Okay.

Going to Freeset now.

I've got an hour to get there. That should be enough time, yeah? Ami asha kori je eta thik. I hope this is right.

I'll try to upload photos for a bit before I go.

Love and transition,
Stephanie

Kalighat.

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation.
My God will hear me.
Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy.
Though I fall I will rise;
Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD is a light for me." - Micah 7:7-8

I read through Micah at dinner tonight and was really hit by how clear God is about how He will guide us. It's especially relevant to me now as I walk the streets of a place I've previously called home, trying to discern whether I should return here again, and if so, what my role here should be. As tempting as it is to try to think through it all by myself - when I will return, in what capacity, how I should shape my life to prepare for returning - figuring this out is not something I need to work to do. Rather, I need to wait and pray. Though I know God has a plan for my life and that He'll guide me to where He wants me to be, I often forget that it's okay to not know RIGHT NOW where the path I'm on is headed. But, I trust that at just the right time God will show me what to do.

Give us this day our daily bread.

I think that knowledge of the trajectories of our own lives is also dosed out in daily portions. And those limitations necessitate an increase in faith...how smart, God.

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly."

I will know at just the right time.

Anyway, today. Today was busybusybusy. Woke up in an attempt to get to Mother's House at 7:30 to register for Kalighat. Thought I was leaving Paragon at 7:10. Walked out at 7:40. What? Turns out when I set my clock back an hour yesterday, I had forgotten that India is a half hour off from the rest of the world. So I was running a half hour late. Weeeeeeeee! Hopped an auto, ran into Mother's House. Registered. Grabbed a bus, with a little help from a guy I recognized from Sudder Street two years ago. He used to work at Tirupati, a roadside restaurant near Paragon, and pretend to be a Buddhist monk. Odd to see him so out of context.

Off the bus at the Kali Temple stop. Road to road to sidestreet to road, and then the familiar shops before Kali Temple, selling incense, flowers, beads, little statues. Lots of yellow, orange, deep red. Past the security guards who never check me unless I make eye contact and to Kalighat. Walking in there felt like any other day there...not like it had been a year and a half since the day they sang me the goodbye song. After getting my pass checked, donning a pink apron and dropping my purse in the volunteers' locker, I walked straight into the womens' ward. There were at least ten women still there who had been there a year and a half ago. I plopped down next to one and said, "Shanti! Eta khub bhalo apnake dekte pari." Shanti! It is very good to see you. We had a conversation about how she was feeling, lunch for the day, her family, how I learned Bangla. I repeat: we had a conversation. Like, I'm a person. She's a person. And we spoke and understood each other. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Repeat with about six different women, two of whom I didn't know from two years ago. Real conversations with words. It was crazy. I spent three months with these women, and could never understand the words they were saying to me, nor could I communicate what I wanted to say to them. Now I can. And I did. I told them I was so happy to have returned, commiserated with them about their pain, compared our families. All in Bangla.

But here's the thing: I think I was able to serve much more effectively when I didn't know Bangla. Before I knew Bangla, I had no chance of literally understanding what the women were saying, and I didn't even attempt to communicate anything with words myself. As a result, I was completely focused outside of myself, devoting all of my attention to the women - their body movements, intonation, facial expression - all in an attempt to gain some sort of understanding in order to serve them better. Because of this focus, I was able to really connect with the women beyond words, returning day after day to give foot massages and share songs. This time was different. Speaking and understanding a language you only know only a little of takes a whole lot of concentration. I found myself much more focused inside of my head than I was last time, because I was both working to understand the words I heard and produce my own correct sentences. Rather than just trying to serve, I was also trying to communicate. And while I think communication is very important, maybe the communication the women and I had before I knew Bangla was deeper, more effective, and more loving.

The place my Bangla did help A TON was with the mashis - the Indian women who work in Kalighat - and with one very young woman who seemed healthy, minus a healing head wound. When they found out I knew some Bangla, they were really excited. We talked for a long time, the five of us, in only Bangla. They told me I should have a Bangla notebook, so I went to the locker and grabbed my Bangla notebooks to show them. We read through a bit of my translated version of Psalm 121, sang the song I wrote last week, and practiced reading and spelling. The women - both the mashis and the younger residents - and I had so much fun! It's really wonderful to know enough Bangla to be functional, but not enough to actually be good. It means I'm forced to be constantly corrected and constantly learning. Hooray!

Okay! Time to leave the internet cafe. I need to go to bed to prepare for my CLS Kolkata visit tomorrow! Woohoo!!!!!

Love and Bangla,
Stephanie